Monday, November 18, 2013

The Burnt-Out Pastor's Wife.


Last week was a kind of a crazy week for me. In summary I left my waitress job at the restaurant and we also announced that my husband got a new job and that we're moving, news we've been waiting to share. With some of my new-found free time I've had a chance to think... which always leads to a blog. Usually a vulnerable one.

I'm not proud of the blog's title. I already know the words "burnt-out" and "pastor" should never be in the same sentence.

I learned a lot of things quickly upon talking on the roll of "pastor's wife". I am not saying my church forced these learnings upon me... I am saying that somewhere along the way to becoming the wife of a pastor I learned that there were expectations.

+ One of them is to always be happy.
+ Lots of smiling and nodding will help you win over the masses.
+ If you don't cook- try taking cooking lessons, so that you can cook great meals for those in the church who need them. Real Woman Cook.
+ Try and lead a bible study at least once a year and preferably invite other pastor wives to join you- showing a united front.
+ You MUST volunteer in Children's Ministry, because you're a woman and every woman has the gift of volunteering with children.
+ Also, try to never stir-the-pot. Instead, be positive, always, even if you don't agree... just pretend you do. If you cannot always be positive then try to at least be positive 99.9% of the time.

These are just a few of the ways in which I failed the church upon taking on my prized title of Youth Pastor's Wife (YPW). I failed all together 6 months in to being a YPW (okay maybe one month). But by 6 months it was obvious. I publicly said our worship needed updating... in a forum about whether or not our worship needed updating. It did. I stand behind that statement, still- 5 years later. I was taken aside and quickly told that pastor's wives have a lot to think about before speaking publicly, like our husband's reputations and essentially that I should probably go back to smiling and nodding. Which is crazy because I have never been a smiler or a nodder.

I knew early on it wasn't going to be an easy role for me to fill but like the President this job is based on approval ratings and so I forged ahead trying to remain positive- the golden rule- in order to have high ratings for my husband and our soon-to-be family.

I reminded myself that I had the whole innocent-baby-growing-inside-my-belly thing going for me and that soon enough that baby would be my connector to all those I'd offended. My baby wouldn't have offensive opinions or a worship style. He would just want to cuddle and rock out to universal well-loved lullabies...preferably ones about God. And who can resist a Pastor Baby cuddle... I mean you're practically cuddling with an angel! I convinced myself my baby would help me better fill my role as YPW. Moms always fit in better in church, known fact. Ask any mom-aged church goer who's not a mom.

And the whole mom thing did work. For a time it did. My red-headed cherub Pastor Baby won over the hearts of many and made my lack of knowledge on the best way to marinate a chicken almost invisible. (Almost.)

Here we are 5 years later and we're leaving this first real-job for my husband. When we made this decision part of me wanted for Shawn to have a complete change of heart and make a career change, not just a church-change. In my heart I know that his calling is to lead youth in to a relationship with Christ, but in my mind I was/am sick of being a pastor's wife. I just want to be a normal God-fearing woman who's married to an insurance agent or a teacher and can go to church and be on committees and have an opinion without affecting reputations and being fearful I'm not fitting the mold. Or that my kid (my grown-up Pastor Baby) is now saying, "poop head" and should know better. PK's should never ever say the word poop.

This 5 years has been full of exciting moments, life-changing moments, happy tears, sad tears, anger and bitterness... It's been full of feeling excited and feeling depleted. I have lost sight of Jesus in the process many times because I have let my annoyance at humans (Christians) become more important than Jesus himself. I have gone from leading a ministry to completely stepping away from everything except Sunday service as a way to guard myself from my hardened heart... that ever growing hardened heart. The heart that remembers every complaint, every criticism... every disapproving note mailed to our personal mailbox. Where I collect bills and wedding invitations and do not want to read about how much you hated my husband's church directory picture. Guess what, I choose it.

While we're leaving our church, I know our church is still a sweet place of worship where many people seek God's will. I have some of the best friends I've ever made in my life from our church. Families who have treated me like family and my kids like their own grandkids. And I am grateful to our church for every lesson learned whether through happy tears or sad tears. I know that every church has issues... because every church is made up of people, imperfect people. And I know that sometimes church gets ugly... just like sometimes family gets ugly, because the church is a family.

We're headed to a new church, 1 hour south, where my husband will take on another Youth Pastor position. We will be moved down to Santa Barbara in less than a month, leaving behind everything our kids have known- from preschool to friendships to Sunday school. While there's excitement and hope, there's also the very real fact that things will not always be perfect there. I will probably still say something that will offend someone and I might still come to resent my role as the imperfect YPW. I know at some point Shawn will tell me something I do not want to hear and I will again wish that he'd become an insurance agent. (Preferably for Progressive, I just love Flo.)

Until that point I will pack the house and stay positive... because I am still a YPW and that is still the golden rule, now isn't it?

This Youth Pastor's Wife,
Kenna




15 comments:

  1. I love you, Kenna. I'm excited for your move! I wish y'all were moving to The Woodlands. Except that it would be exponentially worse for you here - just more fun for me. This is a beautiful post. Resonant for me - 'Moms always fit in better in church, known fact. Ask any mom-aged church goer who's not a mom.' The looks I used to get after moving to Houston when I told people that not only did I have no kids but I wasn't even married...


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    1. As much as we liked Texas I don't know if The Woodlands can handle me! I miss our times together and often times giggle that I was just about to move in with you and then... ran off and got married. Who does that? Thanks for still loving me even after I pulled the ultimate flake move on you ;)

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  2. May God continue to bless and enrich your lives as you grow as a mom, YPW, and a child of God - He's got you covered. Every word, experience, relationship, criticism etc leads us back to Him.
    He has made you into the lovely young woman, mother, friend, employee and YPW that you are. Reach back out to Him -( not to the masses) and He will direct your path.... I love you Kenna and mere words cannot express how much you will be missed in our lives and others. God bless your endeavors from now to forever - xo times a million

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    1. Rose- You've been the ray of sunshine I look for every Sunday. You have been such a role model to me of someone who cares about others and will go to great lengths to show that. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement always and for treating us like family. We will miss all of you.

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  3. "Every woman has the gift of volunteering with children... cuddling with an angel..." LOL!! Ah, I love you Kenna and I love your vulnerable posts (don't worry, I love all the other posts too.) I love the person that you are and bring to all your interactions and I hate that you have felt silenced or out of PW line. You have not failed the church. The church is just hard on pastor's wives. It wants happy smiley conforming, but what it needs is the real you.
    love,
    Mom-aged non-mom PW

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    1. Dear Mom-aged non-mom PW,
      Every time we get together I feel inspired to write... coincidence? I think not. Thank you for being real and never conforming to what every other wife out there is doing/saying. In you I have found another strong willed woman I can relate to, (I feel like I'm writing in your yearbook so "Have a bitchin' Summer... errr... Winter")

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  4. Kenna gotta be Kenna. Your speech about changing worship was right on and probably one of the incipient moments of our making that better. Don't let what one person tells you make you think you are wrong. You were right and 99 percent of the folks in the room agreed with you. You aare one of the best ministers we have ever had. Warn your husband before you pull the trigger so he can prepare but fire away. I know you and I know you have a heart for Jesus and brilliant ideas and gifts. Use them. God wants to know you care.

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    1. It was two people ;) Thank you for always encouraging us and saying to me many times that you understand how hard my role as a YPW is. I genuinely appreciate that bc you have been there with us through it ALL. And your family is exactly who I'm talking about when I say that you've treated us like family. I will always be grateful for you guys.

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  5. I am so glad you wrote this post. We needed to hear it. I have known (as a friend and someone who I think can read people fairly well...) that you have needed to distance yourself for a while...and I think it's important people understand why. I love what Rose said.....and I can't write about your departure or I will turn into a puddle of goo....you are someone who helped me hang on in a church that was difficult to hang onto....Santa Barbara, look out! There are great things ahead....can't wait to come down and hang with you at Padaro Grill. It's a fave hangout....xoxo

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    1. Thank you for always being my listening ear and letting with rant and be myself and use the occasional curse word if I have to- even if inside you're cringing. You've been a great friend to me these last 5 years and have seen every side I have to offer and still love me. Now that's friendship.

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  6. the church is going to miss you. I enjoyed taking care of Cormac and was thrilled when we finally had a young youth pastor and you who brought young couples with children and babies and new life into this seemingly senior citizens church. so know that you are well loved by so many. and brought hope back into our church. so I just want to say thankyou Kenna. I love you!

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    1. Thank you Connie for always being such a huge encourager to Shawn and I. You have shown my kids such love and I will always be grateful for that.

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  7. Oh Fellow PW, one thing is for sure- you are raw and I admire that. I can surely empathize in your sentiments and I hope that you know that you will always have a friend in me. I pray that you find peace and acceptance in this journey ( cause he's not going into sales anytime soon) and mostly that the calling placed on YOUR life ( not your husband) will keep your heart and mind focused, so much so that you find your identity in that calling ( like you do as a fabulous party planner) and not on what others may perceive.
    Be yourself 100% , love your God ( radically) and your family- That's all you can do that is right. All the other stuff doesn't really matter. Accept and give forgiveness and live joyfully! I am excited for you all and look forward to reading more of your blogs!

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    1. Thanks Ada, I know you understand and that's a good feeling... not many woman can truly grasp what I am saying! I appreciate all of your insight and hope we can keep in touch with your guys.

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    2. My sweetheart & I love your open honesty & can completely relate. I was married to a PK, so I get it. Speaking for myself, those are some of the reasons I haven't re-established myself in a church. We love your individuality & how you embrace your indepence & uniqueness. Isn't that what God would want? We love you & your family, even though we only know you on the HAMB & through your blogs. God bless you & your family. <3

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