Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Because Marriage is Hard, Even After 9 Years.



If you've followed my blog for the past couple of years... You know I've done anniversary blog posts for year 7 and year 8. I've talked about getting married in 19 days, the struggles, the marriage counseling, the hard work, the payoff... The Why. Would. We. Ever. Get. Married. In. 19. Days.

And as this 9 year anniversary approached for us (May 3rd), I was resolute I was not going to post on the subject. This year in marriage hasn't been "blog-worthy"... So I just going to remain silent on the subject and do the ol' proverbial social-media-spouse-shout-out, that's become an absolute MUST in our culture, like- if you can't even muster up that- you're definitely getting a divorce.

As I pondered skipping the "anniversary post", I started to feel like a bit of a poser. Like I'll only share when our life is great. And the truth is, I don't want to be that way, because it goes against everything I believe in and everything I've learned about being transparent and how much that can help others. I want to be the person who's willing to share in both the good and not-so-good times. I don't want to be just another, "Married to the man of my dreams for 9 years today- love you babe!" status update. Because, when you're struggling to find a way in your marriage.... That literally couldn't be more annoying.

In deciding to post this... I want to say that this year, especially these last few months Shawn and I have had a rough go. After going on 9 years of marriage you'd think each year would get easier. It sounds about right? Then life hands you big decisions, another move you never wanted to happen, and stress and anxiety and, and, and... The marriage suffers.

It seems in our culture, especially amongst my Christian friends, most couples I know are so uncomfortable talking about having issues in their marriage. We put up every possible smoke screen to avoid anyone knowing that there could be a problem. I am guilty. My husband is a pastor and people want pastor's to have "example marriages". And we want that too, trust me. The pressure is real to have a great marriage, aka "the struggle is real" (I knew that saying would eventually make sense to me). We want desperately to feel worthy of the "You guys are an inspiration to us!" comments on our Facebook anniversary photo. But we don't feel worthy. We fail to see how our arguing and imperfections could be an inspiration to anyone.

The hardest thing we've had to do this year was ask for help. In a lonely year with few people to confide in... We had to seek people out. Seek a marriage counselor out (again). Approach counseling from a different perspective- each of us seeing a one-on-one counselor, something we've never tried.

What I've learned in throwing out the SOS is that most people want to help, want to share their own experiences, want to "be real" and quit the social media "we're perfect" facade we're all guilty of contributing to. All it takes is scratching the surface- and if you need help- you have to be willing to scratch it. If you have anyone honest in your life, most couples who've been married any length of time want to be of any help they can.

I made a friend this year who's been married 10 years. After meeting her and her husband, I placed their marriage on the pedestal of all pedestals: good looking couple, successful, adorable kids, cute house- they seemed to have it just right. And then on a vulnerable night out over coffee, I told her about some problems I was facing with marriage. She then shared a serious struggle her and her husband went through earlier in their marriage- and to be honest, I was floored by it. First off that she shared it with me so easily, and second off- that a couple so "perfect" could have gone through this.

It reminded me that most, if not all marriages will ride the roller coaster. You can either scream to get off- which in some cases- is the only way to survive, and I get that. Or, you can enjoy the fun parts and hold on tight through the scary parts. Holding on tight will look different to every couple. For me personally, it's been a decision to say, "I will exhaust every possibility I can before giving up". 

I met another older woman this year who when I asked her to pray for my marriage, invited me over for coffee every Monday morning for a while now, to share with me the highs and lows in her 30+ year marriage, and to pray with me. It has been incredibly insightful to hear from someone who's willing to share that cohabiting is not easy. Raising kids is not easy. Financials are not easy. Relocation sucks. Unmet career expectations, pay cuts... It's hard work and can easily become bigger than the love that the marriage has. I have witnessed it in our own marriage. "Love is all you need": that is bull shit. You need a lot more than love, let me tell you that. To begin, you need an unwavering commitment, and lots and lots of help through the hard times.

[And I want to be clear that the "help" I'm mainly referring to is counseling. Bonafide therapy. The good expensive kind. I'm not talking your Pastor here... He or she might love God- but that doesn't make them an expert on marriage- or even have a healthy marriage themselves! YES- friends and a support system are key, I don't want to take away from that. But finding someone to be a mediator with an MFT degree and expertise on the subject- priceless.]

Approaching this summer we decided we needed to step back and take a break from, well life. Plan a road trip. Plan what seems like the stupidest possible idea in the midst of probably the most stressful time in our lives. In a way I feel like this road trip might set us back on the right track. I feel like WE NEED THIS ROAD TRIP. To some, 7 weeks on the road with two young kids (and no tablet!) would be torture, but if you know us- day to day monotony is our torture!

So here's to traveling the country trying to find our way back to the naive days when we met and married in 19 days because we liked each other THAT much... And to year 10 riding the roller coaster back up to the top because I am hopeful for that. I am hopeful that later in life I will be able to invite a younger woman over for coffee and inspire her to fight for her marriage in ways she never knew possible. To love when she felt like quitting. To fight the good fight, run the race with perseverance- all of it.

Cheers to knowing when to throw up the SOS,

Kenna

17 comments:

  1. You are an inspiration because you are honest and real. We need more of that!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You my friend, are incredibly sweet. Thanks for a bit of humble reality, and cheers to a wonderful (cray cray) road trip! Hopefully another late night chat session is in our future!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, where the heck to you live again? I mean I'm going to 24 states- the chances of me being near you are about 50/50?!

      Delete
  3. Oh, I could write a novel on this subject, but as each year passes, I am always SO glad that we are still together! You are so refreshing, Kenna! I love your frankness without being negative...just real. Looking forward to hearing about your road trip! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sue. I'm so glad we ran in to each other that day and made a connection.

      Delete
  4. Kenna,

    Let me first just say, I NEVER comment anywhere. Except maybe my sister's blog. But I am going to here. And the truth is, you don't know me - so why comment. But I am going to anyway because I just feel like it. I am not sure if it is God-led or my own heart led. But either way, I just want to encourage you. You are so real. More real than a lot of people on some blogs and online. I think people are drawn to that. I know I was. Haha, I recently have started trying to take my online store and love for throwing parties to the next level - party styling and planning services. I was trying to figure out pricing and was googling party styling pricing. And what popped up for me? - your link to your blog on why parties cost what they do. You were so real, so raw, so in your face and it was all so true. And I loved you for it! And have been drawn back to you ever since. I think that if more people yelled out loud that they need help, more marriages would be saved. Many a marriage dies in the quietness, in the solitude, in the feeling that you are going through it all alone. But you are wise in this, you are not making your choice by your feelings. Some days we just wake up and we don't like our spouse, we don't like our life, we don't like where we are. But we just push through that day. And we keep working at it. And then one day we wake up and realize, hey, I like my life again. I like where I am at. You say you don't understand why people say why you are an inspiration. Well, because you haven't given up. You are still going strong. And if not strong right now, you are still going. That is more than some people. ESPECIALLY given that you only knew each other 19 days. That in itself shows you went through struggles. But that is what you did. You went through them. You didn't quit, you didn't camp there - you went through them. And hopefully it made you stronger.

    "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." - Isaiah 43:2

    "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

    I hope you know I am not preaching at you or trying to be your counsel. Only to be one more voice of encouragement for you - as you have been to me without even knowing it. As I am sure you are to many that read your stories.

    I don't know you, and you don't know me. But I want you to know that you sincerely have one more person praying for you, for your marriage, for your walk and for your life.

    Thank you for being real!
    Shawna

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Shawna... I really never get choked up on comments either- but this one just really means a lot to me, so thank you for taking the time to write it. That verse in Isaiah has been with me the last few months and reading it again was powerful. Your message about waking up and not liking your spouse- that is the real deal right there.
      I covet your prayers and I'm so glad that you found my blog.
      Ps- I know exactly who you are via IG, if that makes you feels any better ;)

      Delete
  5. You are blog worthy.

    Screw pinterest perfection, we all know by now that most things are posed for the shot and then things go back to "real life" so who cares about that.

    You are real and that is all that matters, thank you for sharing this with us all. We are 11-going-on-12 years of marriage and girl, I could tell you about struggles. We are in a really good place now, and I wish the same for you. As for a road trip, we just drove cross country because we moved from CA to WI and GIRL, YOU ARE BRAVER THAN ME!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Claudia... I appreciate the encouragement.
      This road trip is either our best or worst idea yet lol.

      Delete
  6. I don't really have marriage advice but wanted to tell you that my husband and I just celebrated 10 years on May 3rd. Marriage is hard work but I believe it will pay off in the end. I will be praying for you, your marriage and your trip. Oh BTW Happy Anniversary!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, May 3rd huh?! How fun is that... Our May 3rd was a Wednesday... Kind of a random day to marry someone! Happy (late) Anniversary to you as well- the big 10!

      Delete
  7. I don't know if you remember, but I posted a comment on your 7 Year post about how our stories were so similar. Looking back over the last two years, they could not be more different than what I imagined at that rough patch. Right after that post, my husband and I started counseling and when I tell you it made the entire world a different place to live in! I went through A LOT (lost a baby at birth, lost my Mom to cancer, almost lost my marriage, big family changes, the works) and it broke me. I lost complete contact with who I was, what I wanted or needed, I was LOST: The Movie. My faith in God, my belief systems, I had to reexamine every single thing I thought my life was/meant and it was HARD. But, i had also committed to exhausting every possibility before i called it quits and I am so glad I did. It is only a miracle that my marriage made it (we're going on 9 yrs, too) and I pray God extends you the grace and strength He gave us to work through the pit of doom (Rio reference, lol). I told you back then how much that post inspired me and I want to take today to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for always keeping it 100, even if it don't sound pretty. I don't know you personally, but, I always kept the thought in my head because of you that Hey, I'm not alone in this. And, I have to fight through this cuz someone else may need my help. Please know, that you helped me. (In fact, i have started a monthly get-together for other young married women so we can all have a place to rejuvenate and refresh and be able to serve our families from a happy instead of burnt-out place) And I am beyond grateful. I'm sure there are others. There's so much i could say but it'd be a book, lol. Just know that I am praying for you, that God would give you back the joy of being married and for strength for the journey. We're in this together. Love, hugs and well wishes from The Bahamas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I do remember you and I'm very happy to hear from you again. Isn't the internet an amazing thing that we could be connected and share similar stories and yet be miles and miles apart...
      I appreciate your candor as well... I am so sorry to hear about your baby. I have had two friends loose babies at birth and it took a toll on me so I can't even imagine being the mother feeling this loss.
      I am so happy to hear you and your husband are doing better- that is very inspiring to me and a reminder of why counseling is such a powerful tool. Thank you for the encouragement on so many levels, it really means a lot to me.
      Thank you also for keeping us in your prayers.
      Kenna

      Delete
    2. Yes! The internet can still be awesome, lol. I still look at my marriage in awe because I can't even pinpoint when the change happened. All i know is that I started waking up at peace, and actually remembering why I liked this person laying next to me so much that I eloped (a free, spontaneous spirit i was NOT!). I asked God to help me see him through His eyes and to love him with His love when I just didn't have it to give. It sounds corny, but, it worked. I started to see a person, who was just as frustrated, hurt, angry and confused as I was and I had compassion. I took personal inventory and learned how to be okay with the real me, not the perfect person i felt i had to be (i'm a pastor's kid=PRESSURE). Once i gave myself the grace to be human, i could extend that to him and everyone else. My parents were/are marriage counselors for most of my life, but, KNOWING what makes a marriage work and DOING what makes it work are two different animals. I could give awesome marriage advice but somehow i wasn't connecting it to what i was actually doing. The counselor we saw was the bomb. He was very down-to-earth and very no-nonsense. (Couldn't go to my Dad, cuz discussing my sex life with my Dad is right up there with flying centipedes on the horror scale, lol) He shattered all my lil pre-conceived notions, lol, but in a way that finally made sense to me and gave us tools that made "happy" a realistic possibility. Hang in there. God will send you help from the strangest and most unexpected places/people. :-) Oh, and all the best on your road trip! I can't wait to read about it!

      Delete
  8. Amen, my sista! Marriage is great but Lord Jesus, if there aren't days where I have to pray my way through it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I completely agree that marriage brings so many changes into you. I loved your honesty and not many have this trait left these days. Even I was a party planner before my wedding but then had to sacrifice my career for John, my 4 year sweetheart!

    ReplyDelete

" "